This is a list of things that don't really have to be true of vampires according to
common lore, but somehow always seem to turn up in vampire movies anyway.
It's a short list, but hey, it's the super best one.

What's he like? If the vampire is a man, he's a snobby aristocrat. He's handsome
and fit, and became a vampire sometime in his 20s or 30s. His hair is slicked back.
Maybe he wears a cape. If the movie is set anytime in the last 20 years, he wears
sunglasses.

What's she like? If the vampire is a woman, she's drop-dead gorgeous and wears
very little clothing and exhibits lesbian tendencies. But then she has a "true"
hideous face that you can only see when she's about to kill you OR she hates
being a vampire and destroys herself rather than killing the hero (who she's fallen
in love with).

Speaking of love: The main woman that a vampire is fixated on is the exact
reincarnation/ spitting image of his long lost love.

No matter what: If you are bitten by a vampire (even if you were drunk or in a
wheelchair moments before), you will instantly become an acrobatic martial arts
expert, capable of subduing even the toughest marine drill instructor.

Vampires in trouble: When a vampire is faced with a cross, or is about to
unsuccessfully bite the hero, she must bare her teeth and hiss loudly. Vampires
are genius-level smart about everything except when the sun's about to rise. Any
vampire pushed out of a window will land heart-first on something sticking out of
the ground. Any vampire pushed through a doorway will get his heart pierced by
something sticking out of the wall. Every person who ever kills a vampire must
either be a Van Helsing or have a close friend whose last name is Van Helsing.

And if you think you know how you're going to kill a vampire, remember this
phrase:

"Aw, man, that only works in the movies."

Because it does, in every movie but the one you're in.

Copyright 2004 Eric Henderson.