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THE FRANTIC FLICKER
"The movie magazine that isn't..."
----Serving nonsense on a golden platter since 2004.----
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Issue #17: June 25, 2004
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www.franticflicker.com
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"He is so friendly that a few bananas keep him as a household pet."
- from a discussion of Mighty Joe Young in "Great Monsters Of The Movies" by Edward
Edelson, 1973.
IN THIS ISSUE:
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==>Someone Said Something Nice At Me (A True Story)
==>What I Did On My Summer Vacation
==>Bride Of The Gorilla
==>Superatomic Giveaway of the Week
==>Whodunnit?
SOMEONE SAID SOMETHING NICE AT ME (A TRUE STORY)
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Dear Eric: Sorry to clog up your superatomic box with puffery, but I had to tell you how frickin'
funny your 'Brain Damage' story was! As spouse to an ice cream (and Elvis) addict, it
resonated especially strongly. You have a knack for wriggling your way beneath the mundane
and everyday--and finding the weirdness below--in your writing. Bravo! That's all; I'm not
entering the contest (I'm holding out to get my fave Henenlotters on DVD), just wanted to
say thanks for the chuckle! -Tony
Dear Tony: Sorry to clog up your latest issue of the Frantic Flicker with self-congratulatory
back-slapping, but I have to tell you how much I liked your letter! Compliments have a
tendency to embarrass me and make me say "aw shucks" a lot, but I really couldn't help but
let this one slip through. I'm really glad you dug the story. A lot of times I get caught up in
working on stuff, and forget why I'm doing it. But that's why - so I'll get more letters like
yours. Thanks a lot! - Eric
WHAT I DID ON MY SUMMER VACATION
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Well, I guess you don't need to be psychic to figure out that I took a little break from Ye Olde
Flicker That Be Frantic for a few weeks. I'd been going at a pretty decent clip, hadn't skipped
a week in over 3 months, but then I went to Vegas, and then to my parents' house in
Delaware shortly after. I managed to get one issue out from there, but then lost track and
ended up missing two weeks in DE, and another since I've been home. But NOW I'm back and
pretty much ready to get back into it all. I've had such exciting adventures that I feel plenty
inspired to keep the stories coming.
Not only did I get to go to my own wedding shower at the New Brunswick Hilton (if you've
never been there, I'd recommend it, if you happen to be in New Brunswick), but I also got to
go to the 14th Annual Newark (DE) Punk Rock Kickball Game and visit with some friends I
don't get to see very often. If you've never been to a punk rock kickball game, then I'd have
to recommend that even more highly than the New Brunswick Hilton, unless of course it's on
the same day as your wedding shower.
I went to Washington D.C. the day before Reagan's funeral. I saw a high school
championship baseball game. I saw a bunch of summer blockbusters for free at my sister's
movie theater. I drank a case of beer with my dad and my uncle. I ate all the ribs I could eat.
Back home, I went to the beach and saw a sea lion from shore. I learned about the care and
cleaning of Pyrex products. I joined TriggerStreet.com to finally start getting feedback on
some of the screenplays that I've been working on for most of my adult life. I started waking
up early again.
And now I'm back here, right where I started, just a bit older and closer to my ultimate goals
of eating sloppy joes in all fifty states and universal health care. Maybe not a whole lot closer.
Anyway, it's nice to be back. Hope you enjoy the issue.
Eric
It's PRIMATE WEEK at the Frantic Flicker, and you know what that means... it means I skipped
the demonic possession week and the Ed Wood week that I had planned and started off in a
different direction entirely. Well, yeah. It also means that I get a chance to write a story
involving a primate. And speaking of a story involving a primate, here's one right now. It's a
sweet story of romantic love I like to call...
BRIDE OF THE GORILLA
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"We've really got to think of something," Dr. Harlan Webster said, "or else we're going to
lose Boldo forever."
Dr. Jennifer Page furrowed her brow. Boldo noticed this, and patted her on the shoulder.
"They couldn't be serious, could they?" she said. Sure, Boldo had been born in the jungles
of Lutonia, but he had been in the U.S. for his entire adult life. There was no way the
Lutonian government could justify taking him back now, just because he had been recently
certified as the most intelligent gorilla on the planet.
But that was just what they were trying to do. After all, Boldo was the smartest gorilla who
had ever lived. He knew over 500 words of sign language. He could add and subtract. He
knew every animal in the set of safari cards, and had a different hand sign for each of them.
His favorite was the anteater. Every time he saw the anteater card, Boldo would make the
sign for HAPPY, then ANTEATER, HAPPY ANTEATER, HAPPY ANTEATER, over and over.
"The state department certainly seems to think they're serious. You know, Jen, government
funding is the only reason this project exists. If we don't cooperate, they may decide not to
renew the grant, and that puts both of our jobs in jeopardy. What we need is a plan, a
reason why Boldo couldn't possibly leave the country. Maybe we could fake his death, or..."
Dr. Page snapped her fingers. "I've got it! I'll marry him!"
"Who?"
"Boldo! I'll marry Boldo! That way he'll be able to stay here."
Dr. Webster looked at Dr. Page like she'd just suggested that she'd like to marry a gorilla.
"Are you mental? Boldo is a gorilla! There are laws against those sorts of things."
"Not in California."
Boldo jumped up and down and used sign language to enunciate his excitement - "BOLDO
WANT BANANA." Dr. Page got Boldo his banana. "THANK YOU" signed Boldo.
"Get them on the phone," Dr. Page said, "If you're uncomfortable with the idea, I don't mind
telling them myself."
Before Dr. Webster could object, Dr. Page had pushed him out the door of Boldo's pen and
closed the door. Dr. Webster rolled his eyes and went to make the phone call.
Inside the pen, Dr. Page signed to Boldo "DR. PAGE LOVES BOLDO"
Boldo signed back "BOLDO NO LEAVE"
"No, that's right, Boldo," Dr. Page said aloud. "Boldo no leave."
By the end of the day they had the answer. Yes, it was illegal for a woman to marry a gorilla
anywhere in the United States, even in California. But according to the Lutonian consul in San
Dimas, such a union would not necessarily be out of the question if the couple were married
in Lutonia. After many conversations and guarantees back and forth, it was finally decided.
Dr. Page and Boldo would travel to Lutonia, where they would be married in as simple
ceremony. Once they were legal, Boldo and Jennifer would travel back to the U.S. as gorilla
and wife and continue their work.
Once the idea had been introduced, the Lutonian government was all for the union - they
assumed (correctly, as it turned out) that any publicity for their lax human-animal matrimony
laws would bring people from all over the world to marry animals in Lutonia. Plus the Lutonian
public would get a chance to see Boldo at least one more time.
The trip to Lutonia was unpleasant for both of them. Boldo had to ride in the cargo hold,
and Dr. Page had to ride in the main cabin with the other people, whom she despised on
general principle. "Such hypocrites," she thought to herself, "they want to keep me from
marrying my monkey, while they're all practically married to money. And money isn't even
alive!" Dr. Page's assumptions were incorrect, however, as most of the people going to
Lutonia were going there to marry animals themselves, and none of them much cared about
money.
There was a huge parade for Boldo when he arrived. He spoke in sign language with the
King of Lutonia, and the Mayor of Boldo's hometown gave him a key to the city, which Boldo
gnawed on briefly before tossing to the ground.
Two days before the wedding, Dr. Page and Boldo made a day trip into the jungles where
Boldo had been born. They saw many different kinds of wildlife: giraffes, zebras, even a
hyena. Boldo made the sign for HAPPY over and over. As they walked through the jungle
holding hands, Dr. Page thought about what a brilliant decision she was making. She had
never known such peace. Suddenly, though, Boldo pulled his hand away from hers.
"WHAT'S WRONG?" she signed.
"BOLDO USE RESTROOM" he signed back. Dr. Page nodded in agreement, and Boldo crept
off behind a tree.
When Boldo hadn't returned after several minutes, Dr. Page started to become anxious.
"Boldo?" she called out, "Are you okay?" There was no answer, just a grunt from behind the
tree. "Boldo?" No answer.
Dr. Page walked around to the other side of the tree, and there was Boldo. Boldo, her
gentle, intelligent gorilla husband-to-be was in a compromising position with a large anteater.
When Boldo realized that Dr. Page was watching, he jumped up, but not with the guilty look
of a man caught cheating. In fact, the expression on Boldo's face was one of overwhelming
joy.
"HAPPY ANTEATER HAPPY ANTEATER HAPPY ANTEATER" Boldo signed.
It was then, and only then, that Dr. Jennifer Page decided that maybe she should have
some time alone, and give this gorilla-marrying thing a bit more thought.
THE END
There's also a movie called BRIDE OF THE GORILLA, and you can win a brand new DVD of it by
following the instructions below.
SUPERATOMIC GIVEAWAY OF THE WEEK
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Part of my whole reason for being here is to expose people to cool and/or weird stuff that
they might not otherwise know about, and one of the main ways I want to do that is by
giving stuff away for free.
I know I've fallen behind on handing out prizes - I've got two winners to pick still, and one
person in particular has been waiting several weeks for her prize, but I'm taking care of all
that stuff this week.
This week's giveaway is a NEW DVD of BRIDE OF THE GORILLA, starring Lon Chaney, Jr. and
Raymond Burr!!!
See the website for further details!
To enter, send an e-mail to superatomic@franticflicker.com. Put your NAME (first and last) and
ADDRESS in the BODY of the e-mail, and use the SUPERATOMIC SECRET PASSWORD in a
COMPLETE SENTENCE as the SUBJECT line. Your information will not be used for any other
purpose.
The SUPERATOMIC SECRET PASSWORD for this week is... (gotta subscribe to find out).
Visit the superatomic section of the website (www.franticflicker.com/superatomic) for
complete rules, more details and a photo of this week's prize. Contest ends late Thursday
night, July 1, 2004 (if the message says Friday, that's too late Thursday night), and the
winner will be contacted by e-mail and announced on the site on Friday.
By entering, you confirm that you are 18 years of age or older. US or Canadian entrants only,
please.
WHODUNNIT
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Written, compiled, researched, edited and published by yours truly, King Boss Man Eric
Henderson! Thanks for reading it!
The Frantic Flicker is a weekly e-mail newsletter published by Eric Henderson.
The official Frantic Flicker website is sometimes a site to behold. Right this second it could use
a solid update, but that's on the way soon. In the meantime, you can see what's there at:
www.franticflicker.com
If you have any questions or comments, pass 'em on to: eric@franticflicker.com. If you don't
want me to print your letter, let me know. I'll talk at you again next week. Until then, have
fun!
Eric
All content copyright 2004 Eric Henderson. All rights reserved, but feel free to forward this
e-mail or link to my home page. Thanks.
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THE LIVING END
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