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THE FRANTIC FLICKER
"The movie magazine that isn't..."
----Serving nonsense on a golden platter since 2004.----
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Issue #12: April 30, 2004
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www.franticflicker.com
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"WOLF! WOLF!"
- The boy who cried "WOLF!"
IN THIS ISSUE:
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==>Philosophical Mailbag
==>Where Were We?
==>Horror Rises From The Tomb
==>All You Have To Do Is Ask
==>The Visiting of the Sponsors
==>Superatomic Giveaway of the Week
==>Whodunnit?
PHILOSOPHICAL MAILBAG
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You know, once in a great while, one of our loyal readers sees fit to send us a message via
that strange and compelling system of communication commonly known as the e-mail.
In reply to a group post I made of the Super Best Vampire Cliche list, a decent and
worthwhile friend of the Flicker writes:
Unless the guy the female vampire or male vampire is pursuing Bruce Willis, Bruce Campbell,
or Bruce Lee then the guy is pretty much screwed. There it is! I will make a movie called the
"Tao of Bruce." - Dan O
Dan- You crazy. Jenner is a Bruce and the vultures ate his dead ass up. Plus, he really had to
try to get his hair like that. He's no follower of the Way. In order to make a movie called the
Tao of Bruce in a true Taoist sense, you would have to concentrate on everything EXCEPT
making that movie until it materialized in a completed form through no effort of your own. My
contribution to the cause is minor, but here it is - by causing others to think of the movie "for"
you, the film does materialize in the minds of the readers, and you emerge as a master of the
Way. And if you're a master of the Way, then of course, you can make sweeping
generalizations about anything at all and the physical world will conform itself to your view.
And suddenly you're not so crazy after all: Bruce Jenner could kill a vampire, and his hair only
creates an illusion of indiscriminate effort. Pretty simple, eh? - Eric
WHERE WERE WE?
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Oh yeah, unbaker's dozen. Welcome to issue number twelve of the Frantic Flicker. This week
on the homepage I say few words about Paul Naschy, actually, just about all I know about
him. I know I said it somewhere around here before, that I had his autobiography, but the
translator was stuck in a time warp and made sure the whole thing read like Shakespeare or
the King James version of the Bible (and who can make heads or tails of that?). So I didn't
want to make the effort to read the book, and consequently, I just know what I've gathered
from watching him act. Which isn't so much, but it's plenty for our purposes here.
I don't feel too bad about not being an expert on the topics I cover. After all, they're just
window-dressing for a long excuse to talk about me, aren't they? Well, no, not exactly. I
mean, damn right, of course they are. I mean... well, you know what I mean.
Eric
So here's another Frantic Flicker first: a story with the same title as a movie I've seen, that
also happens to be a new release on DVD, and is ALSO the SUPERATOMIC GIVEAWAY OF THE
WEEK. So hang on to your coffins, kids, because this week it's all about...
HORROR RISES FROM THE TOMB
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It was her birthday, and he'd been good about coming out every year since it happened.
Once he'd had to take off of work on the exact day an important account was due. They'd
threatened to fire him, even, but he'd been there. And now, he heard the warnings on the
radio, but he ignored them. The sky looked clear to him. Anyway, he thought, since when
could weathermen predict the weather?
Alexis had been a good person: smart, gorgeous, and a truly effective communicator. When
she talked, people would listen, and when she walked away, people would watch her go. Will
had dedicated months to courting her, and finally, all at once, she had given in. They'd had
two happy years before she died.
Will had been at work when he got the news. It had been an aneurysm in her brain, just an
internal short circuit, and she was gone. Her death had come instantly and painlessly as she
sat at the computer. It broke his heart, of course, but as always, her timing was impeccable:
she'd just finished composing a love sonnet to Will himself.
At the funeral, Alexis had looked every bit as lovely as she had in life. Will could almost swear
she was still alive when the casket was closed. He wasn't embarrassed even later to say that
when the time came, he clutched tightly to the side of the elegant box. He hadn't wanted to
let them put her in the ground.
That was five years ago. Will had hardly dated since then, but he'd been to the cemetery with
flowers dozens of times, and he'd never missed her birthday. He would sit next to the
memorial for hours, telling her all about what was happening in his life, which was mostly
what happened at the office. She never answered back, but then, he never expected that
she would. After all, she was at least six feet below him, and she couldn't possibly hear him
through the box and six feet of dirt, could she? Will could picture Alexis in his mind, though,
just as she'd been the day she was buried, and he imagined that somehow she was alive,
and even if she couldn't answer back, she could hear him.
The heavy rain started all at once. Even though he hadn't entirely believed the weather
report, he had brought an umbrella. He put it up, and for a moment, he continued his talk
about Samuels and Garcia and how they were constantly trying to undermine his authority.
Then a sudden gust blew the umbrella out of his hands. Within seconds, he was thoroughly
drenched. He had to hold on to the stone monument to avoid being swept away by the
storm. But still his thoughts were mostly on Alexis. Why couldn't she come back? If some
force in the universe touched her switch to the off position before, why couldn't the same
force simply turn it back on? After all, he was a good person. Alexis had been good. They had
been perfect for each other, the happiest couple in the world.
Given the circumstances, Will decided that he would have to cut his visit short after all. Alexis
would understand. He apologized to her, and kissed the stone. The backs of his knees and
the insides of his ears were wet by now, and he trudged through an ever-deepening mud
puddle towards the car. Another blast of wind sent him sprawling, but it didn't make him any
wetter. Soon he'd have to swim to the car.
The water level on the cement drive covered Will's shoes as he approached the car. Getting a
new car every year was one thing that Will did look forward to. This model had only been on
the market for a few weeks, and Will had been the first man in the office to get one. He
reached into the pocket of his blazer for the push-button key. It wasn't there. He checked
the other pocket, then his pants, and then started a deliberate search of the surrounding
area. He found it ten minutes later (it must have come out of his pocket when he fell), and
waded back towards the car again.
He pressed the button and nothing happened. He looked at the casing, and saw for the first
time a tiny excess of plastic on one of the two pieces that fit together to create the unit. That
excess created an unintended gap that would effectively allow water easy access to its
innards. He tried again, but ti was no good. He was locked out.
The rain came down more heavily than before now, and for a time Will put his legs under the
car to brace himself from being swept away. Before long, a board floated close, and by
expending a great deal of energy, Will managed to capture it as it went by. Then, risking his
very life by unmooring himself, Will set about trying to break a window out of his new car. It
was easier than he expected, but the alarm was deafening, and he cut his hand getting in.
The car provided a decent amount of shelter. He'd broken a front window, and by positioning
himself in the back seat on that same side, he managed to find a bit of dry breathing room.
Even if the key were good, it would be impossible to drive in weather like this. He would have
to wait it out.
When Will woke up, it was because he felt the car moving. It was dark outside. He felt out
the window for the water level, and it was about even with the door handle. The car was
moving a foot or tow at a time, then stopping with a bump until the water rose enough to
loosen it again. How long had he been asleep? A few hours? Looking out, Will could see a
number of dark shapes that seemed to surround the car. As his eyes became accustomed to
the dark, he realized the morbid truth of what they would have to be. Coffins. It had been a
very wet year, he knew, and the soil was already soft. It made perfect sense. Will wasn't
feeling superstitious at all. After all, they were just dead people. And any personal disgust he
felt about that was overridden by his imminent fear of being killed by the flood. Then a
thought entered his mind.
Alexis! How could he have forgotten her at a time like this? What if her coffin was one of
those floating around out there? Would her casket still be safe in the ground, or would hers
be one of the corpses that would be slowly uncovered as the flood waters receded? There
was no way of knowing.
(WILLIAM)
He heard the voice, and knew who it was, but the sound wasn't coming from any one
direction.
"Alexis?"
(ON THE LEFT)
He looked out the window he had broken, and saw a box with that may have been familiar.
Could that be where Alexis was, just as she'd been before? Just as the monumental odds
started to occur to him -
(YES, THAT ONE. GRAB HOLD)
Will did as she asked, and was surprised that the water made holding the casket next to the
car fairly easy, like holding a boat to a dock.
(LET ME OUT OF HERE)
"How can I?" Will said, but there was no answer. He was alone again, in the rain, floating
free with the car and the casket. There was a sudden bump, and the car stopped. For the
next couple of hours, Will rested as well as he could, but with one arm or the other always
out the window to hold the casket, resting was difficult.
At daybreak, the rain stopped. Will looked around, but with so much water everywhere, it
was difficult to say whether there was anything he recognized. The air was clean and clear,
and everything he could see, recognizable or not, was beautiful. He was exhausted, and for
the first time, he started to wonder whether the voice he's heard the night before hadn't just
been his imagination after all. The casket he was holding, no one knew who was inside that
thing. The odds were certainly against it being Alexis.
He let go, but the coffin stayed where it was. He gave it a little push, but it didn't move. It
must be resting on something underneath the water. Will stretched his arms, and realized
that he'd made it. His new car was now probably a junker, but he had made it. He rolled
down the opposite window and climbed out onto the roof. He feeling of the sun on his face
almost made him cry.
Will looked around. It was a tree that the car had run into, but what was it holding the casket
up? He leaned over the side of the roof and tried again to set it free. No luck. Whatever it got
stuck on, the coffin was going to be there until he was rescued. As he turned away, he heard
a knocking sound. He looked back, but couldn't find a place nearby the sound might be
coming from. He took a deep breath and rapped lightly on the top of the casket. And holding
his hand to it, he could feel the vibration as something from inside rapped back.
"Alexis?!"
(LET ME OUT OF HERE)
It was her. He knew it was. And suddenly all of the apprehension he'd felt about sharing his
safe haven with a coffin melted into a sheer panic dedicated towards getting his wife out of
one. Luckily, the trunk latch was not fully automated (it opened via a lever under the seat),
and so a tire iron was easily accessible. Within a few minutes, he was in the chest-deep
water, and had successfully removed both of the safety pins that held the lid in place. He felt
around underneath, but still couldn't figure out why it hadn't floated away.
"Okay, hold on, baby. We're gonna get you out of there."
Using both the car and the ground as leverage, Will pushed with all his might, and finally, the
top of the casket came loose, fell into the water, and immediately started away out of reach.
Standing in the water, Will couldn'e see over the top, but he knew that it was her. And even
as the first wafts of the stench of decay reached his nostrils, Will thought only of being
reunited with his lost love.
(THANK YOU)
As Alexis's misshapen head loomed over the side of the casket, Will saw the current face of
his lovely wife for the first time. And suddenly he realized how wrong he'd been. Alexis had
been beautiful and wonderful and gracious when she died. But now she was... different.
Will's face froze in a mask of absolute revulsion. Alexis was different alright. Her skin was
gathered unnaturally around muscles now partially decayed. The skin had a sickly green cast
to it, and the consistency of the inside of an apple that's been left in the sun. Alexis
somehow knew that she was different, but looking at Will, she felt the same.
(WILL, WHAT'S WRONG?)
"You're...you're... dead." He grabbed the car in a dead panic, trying desperately to pull himself
up. Alexis heaved her dead arm across his shoulders to hold him in the water.
(WILL, HONEY, IT'S ME)
"No, please...let me go. I'll give you anything, please!" Alexis dunked Will lightly, just to get
his attention. He came up sputtering and, still terrified, looked at her again.
(IS THAT HOW YOU TALK TO ME THE DAY AFTER MY BIRTHDAY?)
"I didn't know you were... that."
(YOU TOLD ME YOU'D LOVE ME FOREVER)
(YOU TOLD ME YOU'D DO ANYTHING TO SEE ME AGAIN)
Deep inside Will's brain, the pressure had built to a peak. Alexis's birthday, the flood, the car,
all those schmucks at the office. These pressures, combined with the new strain of seeing
Alexis in her current condition, caused a tiny tear in a blood vessel, a vessel which exploded
seconds later, bringing Will's life to an instantaneous end.
As Will's body sank below the surface, Alexis positioned herself as carefully as a reanimated
corpse can, and rolled the rest of the way out of the casket and into the water. She landed
squarely on top of Will, and this time, he understood what it was all really about.
("So that's how that works. Man, I don't know why I didn't think of this before")
(SEE, I TOLD YOU IT'S NOT SO BAD. AT LEAST I TRIED TO)
("I'm so happy to see you. You look radiant, dear.")
(YOU DON'T LOOK SO BAD YOURSELF, TIGER)
("Rrrrrr...")
THE END
Horror Rises From The Tomb is also a swell movie with Paul Naschy that I'd recommend
checking out even if you don't win it this week.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ASK
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In this section, I will happily answer any question you might have, whether I know the
answer or not. Just send them to eric@franticflicker.com with the subject line "I have a
question.". I especially like questions about regular school-type subjects, advice, or stuff
about movies.
QUESTION: Do werewolves walk upright (like in the Howling), on all fours (like in American
Werewolf in London) or do they just ride on top of custom vans (like in Teen Wolf)? - Angel
ANSWER: I used to babysit my cousin when he was a baby, and just learning to walk. He
could stand up and walk anytime he wanted to, but he could crawl about 3 times as fast. And
that's how werewolves work, too. They stand tall when they want to impress you, but if
they're after you (and not show-offs) then they run on all fours. And just so you don't think
that I'm ignoring your third option, I'll let the cat out of the bag and tell you that Micheal J. Fox
really is a werewolf. He did Teen Wolf just to make people think that werewolves are stupid
and to throw the law off his trail.
THE VISITING OF THE SPONSORS
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The Superatomic Giveaway of the Week awaits, but first you must follow the flimsy rope
bridge of responsible spending across the dreaded chasm of commercialism!
EBAY!
I have my grand master black belt in eBay (username mothra911, feedback rating 915 and
counting). Buy my ebay stuff! It is good. It is excellent. It is so good and excellent and cheap
that you feel like you must buy it. Still plenty of 7"s and cds, plus some early 90s carded toys
going on this week and of course, you've still got time to bid on the masterwork I LIKE NAKED
by the amazing Mr. HASBRO OTTO. Check it out!
http://cgi6.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewSellersOtherItems&userid=mothra911&include=0&
since=-1&sort=3&rows=50
PREORDER THE ORIGINAL STAR WARS TRILOGY ON DVD NOW!
Star Wars / The Empire Strikes Back / Return of the Jedi and an extra disc of bonus material.
Sure, they're the "special editions" and not the "original" original trilogy, but lighten up,
they're almost the same. They come out in September and the current price via this link is just
$42.99.
http://www.dvdempire.com/Exec/v4_item.asp?item_id=601761&partner_id=90841311
FULL-SIZE ALIEN HEAD BUST - BIGGER THAN A BREADBOX!
Check out this crazy item - a 3 foot long Alien head. It's an exact replica of the creature's
head from the original movie in a limited edition of 500. It's a steal at just $899.99 (and even
if you don't want to buy it, it's still cool to look at).
http://www.sideshowtoy.com/cgi-bin/affiliates/clickthru.cgi?id=franticflicker&page=http://www.
sideshowtoy.com/cgi-bin/category.cgi?category=props^item=2903
SUPERATOMIC GIVEAWAY OF THE WEEK
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Part of my whole reason for being here is to expose people to cool and/or weird stuff that
they might not otherwise know about, and one of the main ways I want to do that is by
giving stuff away for free.
This week's giveaway is a BRAND NEW DVD of the BRAND NEW RELEASE of the Paul Naschy
movie HORROR RISES FROM THE TOMB! See the website for further details!
To win, send an e-mail to superatomic@franticflicker.com. Put your NAME (first and last) and
ADDRESS in the BODY of the e-mail, and use the SUPERATOMIC SECRET PASSWORD in a
COMPLETE SENTENCE as the SUBJECT line. Your information will not be used for any other
purpose.
The SUPERATOMIC SECRET PASSWORD for this week is... (gotta subscribe to find out).
Visit the superatomic section of the website (www.franticflicker.com/superatomic) for
complete rules, more details and a photo of this week's prize. Contest ends late Thursday
night, May 7, 2004 (if the message says Friday, that's too late Thursday night), and the
winner will be contacted by e-mail and announced on the site on Friday.
By entering, you confirm that you are 18 years of age or older. US or Canadian entrants only,
please.
WHODUNNIT
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Written, compiled, researched, edited and published by yours truly, King Boss Man Eric
Henderson! Thanks for reading it!
The Frantic Flicker is a weekly e-mail newsletter published by Eric Henderson.
The official Frantic Flicker website is a site to behold. So many sites, so little... wait a second,
here - you've got plenty of time. Click on over:
www.franticflicker.com
If you have any questions or comments, pass 'em on to me, Eric, at: eric@franticflicker.com. If
you don't want me to print your letter, let me know.
I'll talk at you again next week. Until then, have fun!
Eric
All content copyright 2004 Eric Henderson. All rights reserved, but feel free to forward this
e-mail or link to my home page. Thanks.
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instructions below.
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THE LIVING END
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