 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
THE FRANTIC FLICKER
"The movie magazine that isn't..."
----Serving nonsense on a golden platter since 2004.----
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Issue #11: April 23, 2004
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
www.franticflicker.com
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
"It is strange that as yet I have not seen the Count eat or drink. He must be a very peculiar
man!"
- Bram Stoker, "Dracula"
IN THIS ISSUE:
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
==>Bringing You Up To Date
==>Vampire Effect
==>All You Have To Do Is Ask
==>The Visiting of the Sponsors
==>Superatomic Giveaway of the Week
==>Whodunnit?
BRINGING YOU UP TO DATE
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Hey there folks, and welcome to another issue of the famous and fabulous Frantic Flicker. This
is like really the official tenth anniversary issue, since the day this one comes out will be
exactly ten weeks after I did the first one. It's been 70 days of unrelenting mayhem so far,
and I hope you'll stick around for plenty more good times to come.
Here's the big news: I've struck a deal with an obscure (and totally insane) painter named
HASBRO OTTO to be the exclusive seller of his works on ebay. We just put the first one up the
other day, and it's a doozy. It's called I LIKE NAKED, and it's, well, pretty far out there. Check
out the site for a link to our exclusive Hasbro Otto page, or visit it directly at
hotto.franticflicker.com.
This week on the regular website, we've got a pretty good list of vampire movie cliches that
do their best to yank the booga-booga teeth out of gothic goofiness. So take a look and see
if YOUR favorite vampire story has any of these. I bet it does - this list is what being a
vampire is all about, and it's great fun, too.
Also, just to repeat the offer, if anyone really has a stranglehold on their Paul Naschy trivia
and wants to make a contribution to the website for the next issue (you've got a whole
week, just like me), then it'll make everyone's day and you'll be the coolest kid on the block
until Jimmy brings out his new Big Wheel. So e-mail me if you're a Naschy fan, even if you
don't have any big ideas.
Eric
And now, let's get right to the cliches themselves, I've ladled them on pretty thick, and here's
the result, an original (as vampire stories go) yarn I like to call:
VAMPIRE EFFECT
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Hey, what's up, everybody? Dave the Vampire here with the Vampire Effect Show. I know
you've been listening to me talk and play your favorite hits for the last couple of years right
here on WKLR, and tonight I'm gonna come clean. I locked the door on the booth and I figure
I've got at least a few minutes before someone around here gets wise and cuts me off. So
here, for the first time you've got the extended vocal remix version of how Dave the Vampire
became an actual vampire. And if you think I'm kidding around, pulling a War of the Worlds
kinda prank on you, if there's anyone listening who thinks that's what this is about, let me
just say: Fuck you, you goddamn shithead.
See, those are words you're not supposed to say on the radio, but I don't care because I
already decided this is my last night and I just want to tell my dumb little story and see how
long it takes them to get in here.
Let me start by saying I'm not a terribly attractive guy. I mean, it's sort of obvious that's
why guys like me, why most people who go into radio go into radio, because we've got
personality, but we're too, uh, unattractive for TV. I've come to terms with being a hideous
wretch, it was no big deal before, and now it really makes no difference whatsoever, but it's
important that you understand I'm ugly, because it explains a lot about who I am.
Even though I'm a self-proclaimed "ugly guy," I used to always go for the most attractive
women. And if I met a woman I liked, I just couldn't bring myself to leave her alone until she
either married me or wouldn't speak to me anymore. In short, I've never been a one-night
stand kind of guy. Famous last words, right? Yup, that's exactly what they were.
I've been called Dave the Vampire since my college radio days, which wasn't so long ago in
vampire years. I had a pretty popular overnight show there "Dave the Vampire's Tomb of
Rock," and then I moved to the city and got this job, and since overnight is where you end up
when you're starting out, I just kept being Dave the Vampire until this one thing happened
that made me Dave the Vampire even more.
Alright, so, as a "radio personality," I have contractual obligations with the station to do
these public events, signing or shows or whatever, from time to time. And I was at one of
these events, it was a signing promo deal for the goth/ rap/ metal band the Dark Dawgs.
Remember them? It was over at the Big Buy Central on Roster. I was there, and I was
hanging out with the band, and they were just rotten people , these awful corporate-rock
types, but you know how it goes, and all of a sudden this girl was there. She was just... man,
oh man, if she'd had a suntan, she would have been exactly my Pamela Anderson dream girl
fantasy.
So one of the Dark Dawgs, I think it was Le Snot, the drummer if I remember correctly, was
trying to mack on this gorgeous girl, and she was just not having any of it. She was hanging
around, but every time he would come near her, she would just sort of, I don't know how to
say it exactly, "scoot" away from him. Yeah, that's probably as close as I can come, scoot. She
would do this, and it was like she was in a video game or something. It was really sort of
surreal. So I'm just watching this go on for maybe ten or fifteen minutes, and the Dark Dawgs
are all signing autographs and talking to fans and he's following her slowly in between fans
and she's avoiding him just perfectly, and all of a sudden she comes up to me and says:
"You want to take me home tonight?"
Well, of course I did want to, but you know, she's the weird gorgeous scooting girl, I don't
really know what to say to her, so I say:
"I couldn't help noticing you doing these weird movements. Are you a dancer or martial
artist or something?"
She says, "What do you think?"
I said "I don't know what to think, that's why I asked you."
So here comes Le Snot, and he's stumbling around, and just looking at the guy, you can tell
that even if he's not on the sauce right this second, he's the worst kind of irresponsible
drunk. Those guys really were scumbags, just the dregs of everything that's wrong with the
music industry. Anyway, so he stumbles up to my dream girl and puts his arm around her
waist and says something like:
"What're you talking to this guy for, he's not even a roadie," something like that, something
that really was about to piss me off. But then before I had any chance to react, she's got the
guy by the throat and she's pressing him down into the table where they were signing and
stuff, and of course she's got these killer nails that are digging into his neck, and it was just
brilliant, one of the coolest things I've ever seen. And right then, while she's got her nails
poking into the guy's neck, she looks up at me and says:
"Well? Want to take me home now?"
And at that point I was just like "Let's go. You are awesome!" and I meant it a hundred
percent.
So I excused myself to call my boss real quick, and I could see through the window that the
guy she'd grabbed had tears running down his face, and all the other Dark Dawgs were
trying to break bad for a second or two, but whatever it was, she handled it. Before I was
done talking to Freddy, she was standing next to me. And that's when I found out her name
was Carol. Honestly, her name could have been Gertrudina and it wouldn't have made any
difference to me - she was freakin' hot.
When we got to my place, I offered her a beer, but she said she didn't want anything. I
didn't even have time to drink one myself - in about five seconds we were both naked as
jaybirds and frolicking in a way that is carnal. I guess vampires are like reptiles; they're cold
blooded, but that doesn't mean that their blood never ever gets warm, it just doesn't get
warm or stay warm all by itself. The delicate point I'm trying to make is that I didn't really
notice that she was unusually cold or anything at the time.
Afterwards, when I was ready to smoke and then fall asleep, she started getting into some
really crazy sort of conversations that I just wasn't ready for. She wanted to know all the
names of the people I knew. She said she wanted to see if we had any mutual friends and
she had me name all of my friends, everyone I knew, including all my relatives and everyone I
could remember going to school with. It was really weird when I told her, too, because I could
see she was cross-referencing stuff in her mind at the same time. It was like she was looking
for one name in particular, but it was easier for me to say the names of everyone I'd ever
known than for her to ask me about that one.
So when I got done, she seemed satisfied, and it was close to morning. I asked her if she
wanted to stay for breakfast. Nope, she had something else to do. She left, and I was like,
man, that was the coolest girl in the whole world and I didn't even think to get her number.
So I know I'm never gonna see her again, and that part still bugs me now.
So I went to sleep for a bunch of hours. I've always done the night shift so I'm kinda
nocturnal anyway. When I woke up it was dark. I took a shower, and I was feeling a little
feeling a little bit weird, but I just chalked it up to not getting her number and didn't think
much about it. But then when I got out of the shower... and looked in the mirror - boom,
nobody there.
It took me at least an hour to figure out what the hell was going on. Finally I put my hand
up to my neck, and yup, you guessed it, two little scabby scar things. Shit. When you hear
about it, you would think that getting killed by a vampire would really suck, you know, that
you'd get your throat ripped out and everything and it would be really gruesome. That's not
how it worked for me. I just spent the night with the most gorgeous woman I'd ever seen,
and then I woke up and I was a vampire. Somehow she got me when I wasn't paying
attention, like a doctor will distract you while he's giving you a shot. It's crazy, but here I am,
stone dead and walking around. I mean I am D-E-A-D dead. No eating, no bowel movements,
no haircuts, no manicures. I'm just dead.
I never saw Carol again, never got any rules or anything, so I've just pretty much stuck
with what I know from the movies. At the same time, there is a kind of instinct that's kicked
in. Becoming a vampire really was a lot like going through puberty again. You don't really
understand the changes, you just know that they're coming fast and you just hold on and
hope for the best. So just a few days later I started biting people. I didn't know them or
anything, I was just trying to try to get at their blood to drink it. It sounds weird, I know, but
I just felt this crazy compulsion and then all of a sudden there I was in the middle of it, again
and again. And really after the first three or four, there was nothing special or even that bad
about it. It's just another biological function. I'm just a regular old force of nature, like a
tornado or a rabid skunk or something. Still, I know it's not exactly the right kind of thing to
do, and to say the least, I haven't been too happy with my life since it happened.
And here they are banging on the door now. Finally. I've been hoping they'd be here a few
minutes ago so I wouldn't have to go into the blood drinking part. Anyway. I called my boss
earlier tonight, and I hope he'll know what to do. After all, his last name is Van Helsing, so I
hope my phone call, combined with my on-air swearing etc. has been enough to convince him
to be a good Van Helsing and break in here and put an end to your lovable DJ once and for
all. So howzabout some music? You know what I feel like hearing? Freebird. And I hope you
won't mind if I sing along.
And that was, of course, the long version of Freebird by Lynyrd Skynyrd, and I'm at least
glad that I made it to the end of that. Now they've got some sort of battering ram lined up,
and they seem to be doing pretty well with it. Ah, bravo! Here they are now, Freddy and
friends - Hey, Freddy, say hi to the folks out in radio land.
"Hi to the folks out in radio land."
And what's that you brought for me, a stake and a hammer?
"That's right, a stake and a hammer."
And the idea is that you're gonna drive that thing into my chest, right?
"That's the idea."
Well, I guess you gotta do what you gotta do. Be gentle though, okay big boy?
"Don't try to get away."
I'm not, just do it quick, huh?
"You ready?"
Go ahead.
(CLANK)
"Aw, gross."
"That's disgusting."
At this point... I guess the... only thing left to say is... curse you, Van Helsing...curse you...
THE END
Vampire Effect is also a movie that came out on DVD recently, but it's not really a vampire
movie, it's an Asian action movie about some good guys who fight an army of stylish
vampires. Jackie Chan even has a small role.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ASK
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
In this section, I will happily answer any question you might have, whether I know the
answer or not. Just send them to eric@franticflicker.com with the subject line "I have a
question.". I especially like questions about regular school-type subjects, advice, or stuff
about movies.
QUESTION: How and why did guys start giving girls flowers? - Ron
ANSWER: Although the tradition of men giving flowers to women as a part of courting has
been prevalent all over the world since almost the beginning of time, it took the actions of
one particular American soldier during World War II to bring this ritual to the states. Philip
Richard Stammerson was a private first class stationed in Italy during the great war. As the
story goes, he knew a bit of Italian from his immigrant grandparents and thus became much
friendlier with the local population than other men in his position.
Stammerson noticed that the Italian men would present bunches of flowers to their
prospective mates, and asked an Italian friend about it. The gist of the answer he received
was that if a man gives a woman something that smells better than the man himself does,
then this creates a sort of temporary empathy that helps to bridge the gap between the
sexes.
Stammerson wasn't sure if that statement was accurate, but he was sure that the women
who received these flowers were much more actively amorous than the women who received
other presents or received nothing. So he told his soldier friends about it, and after some
exploratory trials, they discovered that flowers worked just as well with their local girlfriends
as their usual presents of nylons, cigarettes, and chocolate did.
Now it was time for the real test. Stammerson sent a bouquet of cut flowers to his
sweetheart Edna back home in Tennessee. Of course, Edna loved them, and told her sisters,
who told their friends, and before long all of the women in Tennessee, then every woman in
America was hoping to get flowers from her respective soldier beau. So Philip and Edna
played the idea up from both sides until all the women were telling men to get them flowers,
and all the men were tipping each other to get women flowers, and before long, it got
through the men's skulls that what women wanted was flowers.
After he was dishonorably discharged (after an alleged indiscretion with a local woman),
Philip Stammerson moved back to Tennessee, where he and Edna started the first flower
shop in the United States: Stammerson's Stems in downtown Memphis. It's still there today.
Not many people realize this, but Stammerson's observations and actions drastically
changed the population of the United States. There was so much tension built up in this first
group of American women to receive cut flowers that when the war was over, there was a
tremendous baby boom. And, fittingly enough, when the children born in that boom started
growing up and doing their own thing, they were called - you guessed it - flower children. -
Eric
THE VISITING OF THE SPONSORS
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
The Superatomic Giveaway of the Week awaits, but first you must follow the flimsy rope
bridge of responsible spending across the dreaded chasm of commercialism!
EBAY!
I have my grand master black belt in eBay (username mothra911, feedback rating 906 and
counting). Buy my ebay stuff! It is good. It is excellent. It is so good and excellent and cheap
that you feel like you must buy it. TONS of 7"s and cds, PLUS the ebay debut painting I LIKE
NAKED by the fabulous HASBRO OTTO. Check it out!
http://cgi6.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewSellersOtherItems&userid=mothra911&include=0&
since=-1&sort=3&rows=50
PREORDER THE ORIGINAL STAR WARS TRILOGY ON DVD NOW!
Star Wars / The Empire Strikes Back / Return of the Jedi and an extra disc of bonus material.
Sure, they're the "special editions" and not the "original" original trilogy, but lighten up,
they're almost the same. They come out in September and the current price via this link is just
$42.99.
http://www.dvdempire.com/Exec/v4_item.asp?item_id=601761&partner_id=90841311
FULL-SIZE ALIEN HEAD BUST - IT'S 3 FEET LONG!!!
Check out this crazy item - a 3 foot long Alien head. It's an exact replica of the creature's
head from the original movie in a limited edition of 500. It's a steal at just $899.99 (and even
if you don't want to buy it, it's still cool to look at).
http://www.sideshowtoy.com/cgi-bin/affiliates/clickthru.cgi?id=franticflicker&page=http://www.
sideshowtoy.com/cgi-bin/category.cgi?category=props^item=2903
SUPERATOMIC GIVEAWAY OF THE WEEK
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Part of my whole reason for being here is to expose people to cool and/or weird stuff that
they might not otherwise know about, and one of the main ways I want to do that is by
giving stuff away for free.
This week's giveaway is a BRAND spankin' NEW DVD of the so-bad it's really bad and then
darn it is really bad but I feel strangely compelled to watch it anyway vampire epic,
VAMPIRELLA, directed by Jim Wynorski and starring Talisa Soto and Roger Daltrey. Even
though the vampires are from outer space, they still conform pretty well to our list of vampire
cliches. See the website for further details!
To win, send an e-mail to superatomic@franticflicker.com. Put your NAME (first and last) and
ADDRESS in the BODY of the e-mail, and use the SUPERATOMIC SECRET PASSWORD in a
COMPLETE SENTENCE as the SUBJECT line. Your information will not be used for any other
purpose.
The SUPERATOMIC SECRET PASSWORD for this week is... (gotta subscribe to find out).
Visit the superatomic section of the website (www.franticflicker.com/superatomic) for
complete rules, more details and a photo of this week's prize. Contest ends late Thursday
night, April 29, 2004 (if the message says Friday, that's too late Thursday night), and the
winner will be contacted by e-mail and announced on the site on Friday.
By entering, you confirm that you are 18 years of age or older. US or Canadian entrants only,
please.
WHODUNNIT
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Written, compiled, researched, edited and published by yours truly, King Boss Man Eric
Henderson! Thanks for reading it!
The Frantic Flicker is a weekly e-mail newsletter published by Eric Henderson.
The official Frantic Flicker website is a site to behold. It's like a breath of fresh air in this dank
tomb you call the world.
www.franticflicker.com
If you have any questions or comments, pass 'em on to me. I'm Eric, and you can gimme a
holler at: eric@franticflicker.com. If you don't want me to print your letter, let me know.
I'll talk at you again next week. Until then, have fun!
Sincerely, Eric
All content copyright 2004 Eric Henderson. All rights reserved, but feel free to forward this
e-mail or link to my home page. Thanks.
To SUBSCRIBE, visit www.franticflicker.com. To UNSUBSCRIBE, follow the autoresponder
instructions below.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
THE LIVING END
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::