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THE FRANTIC FLICKER
"The movie magazine that isn't..."
----Serving nonsense on a golden platter since 2004.----
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Issue #8: April 1, 2004
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www.franticflicker.com
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"One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: 'Give little, give seldom, and above
all, give grudgingly.' Otherwise, what could have been a proper marriage could become an
orgy of sexual lust."
- Ruth Smythers, Marriage Advice For Women, 1894
IN THIS ISSUE:
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==>Foreword
==>The Final Countdown
==>All You Have To Do Is Ask
==>The Visiting of That One Sponsor
==>Superatomic Giveaway of the Week
==>Whodunnit?
FOREWORD
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Hi and welcome to early issue 8 of The Frantic Flicker. I'm sending it out early because I'm
going out of town for a wedding, and you'll be stuck with it until the next one comes out. This
was going to be a spy issue, but I had a hard time coming up with a suitable movie to write
about, so the theme is a bit confused this week. Luckily, it's coming out just in time for April
Fool's day, so maybe it'll seem like I planned it that way.
If you happen to see me while I'm in Florida, PLEASE don't bug me. I've got enough problems
without having to deal with autograph hounds and the paparazzi. I know it's not often that
celebrities of my caliber walk the streets of Orlando, but please try to respect my privacy. This
occasion isn't about me, it's about my friend Kirk. He's the one getting married. I'd be happy
to mail you an autographed photo for $10 (plus postage). Anyway, hope you enjoy the issue.
Eric
Alright now. You've bought your ticket and you're sitting in the theater. The lights go down,
the previews play (gee, that new Punisher movie looks a lot worse than the first one), and
half an hour later, here's our feature presentation:
THE FINAL COUNTDOWN
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Today is the day. Sometime in the next few hours, the door to the cell will swing open, and
I'll be led to a room where I can collect my property and then... then not to the showers, the
cafeteria, or the yard. Not to the execution chamber. To the exit. I'm getting out today. I'm
going home.
You really never know what's going to happen in a place like this. Release when you've
served your time is the only thing that's definite, and the only thing to look forward to.
Between getting in and getting out is what they call hard time. As of today I've served six
years of it.
I'm not a bad guy. I've made my share of mistakes, but I've never intentionally hurt
anyone. I've never really had much desire to do anything like that. I've just sometimes got a
tendency to want to take things that don't belong to me.
Life on the inside is tough for someone like me. Everyone wants to take advantage of
everyone else in this place, and if you don't want to take advantage of anyone, then you're
that much more of a target. If it were just the inmates, that would be bad enough, but the
guards in this place are even worse.
There's this one guard, Locane, who would sell his mother into slavery for half a dollar. The
whole time I've been in here, he's been swindling me daily on lousy cigarettes that aren't
even my brand. The first time I pointed out to him that he was making approximately three
hundred percent profit on each individual smoke he sold, he just laughed at me.
"So quit." he said. But when I took him up on it and actually did quit he made sure I got my
ass whupped good and hard. Three or four guards jumped me and I lost a front tooth. It was
unpleasant, but at least it got me started smoking again. After today, I'll never have to think
about that again.
They just put everyone from the quad out into the yard except for me. I've seen it happen
more than once before that a guy gets the crap kicked out of him "one last time" on his last
day. So maybe they're trying to keep me from that, maybe it's one of the new procedures the
warden's always going on and on about. I'm calling out, and no one's answering, but I'm not
too worried. No matter what happens, it'll all be over today.
It's Locane after all. He unlocks the cell and steps inside, then closes the door behind him.
He's maybe five feet away from me, holding a baton in one hand, and breathing heavy. He
really is a cocky son of a bitch to come alone. He's a muscular guy, but I'm taller, and I
probably outweigh him by fifty pounds. I could snap him like a twig if I had to. I glance at him,
and he glances at me. That's the way guards and prisoners always look at each other - just
enough so you can tell where they are.
"Big release day, huh?" I shrug. I despise this guy, but I'm not gonna rile him up any
further. "You'll never get out of here."
"Yeah, you're probably right," I say. I've got a good idea that he's bluffing, just trying to
get me to do something stupid. But something stupid is the last thing I want to do.
"You're gonna start an epidemic."
"Is that right?" As much as I hate to admit it, the little bastard is getting to me already.
Why did he have to come in here now - today? Another few hours and I never would have
had to deal with him again.
"Epidemic of fellas who commit suicide on release day rather than deal with putting their
shitty lives back together." I look up at Locane. I can see in his face that he's not in his right
mind - he's on something, and that means trouble. He raises the baton. "You're gonna beat
yourself to death with this."
"I've got no problem with you, Locane. Now be a good boy and fuck off before one of us
gets hurt..." Before I even finish, he's on me. He gets a couple of good hits in, but his depth
perception must be off because he misses a couple of times, too. I take the baton away from
him pretty easily.
Beating up a guard is an absolute guarantee that you will serve more and harder time than
you've ever had before. That's not an option I really want to consider, but after all I've been
through with this guy, how can I resist hitting him just once? All told, he's probably hit me
with that baton fifteen or twenty times in the years I've been here. And that's with no
provocation at all - just me hanging out and "your turn" - BAM! It almost seems like a fair
trade to hit him back just once. I really was only going to hit him once. But after I paid him
back in full, around twenty, I lost count.
Even though I've wished him dead every day, I want to take it back. I don't want to be a
killer, especially in a situation like this. Locane's mangled face is like a pile of human tea
leaves - I can read my fortune in it. The fortune tells me that within a week, I'll look every bit
as bad as he does now, and every bit as dead. There's no explanation necessary, or even
possible. I killed him, and they won't hesitate to kill me. They're coming back now, and as
soon as someone sees what's happened...
I've got to hide him. The body makes a huge lump under the mattress, but the person
unlocking the cell now doesn't seem to notice.
"Big release day, huh?" I shrug, but something makes me look up at the guy. He's not a
guard at all. He's got a beard and glasses and he looks like a social worker or something. I
can tell he's nervous, and he's keeping his eyes on me, not looking at the cell at all.
"I thought they send a guard."
"It's part of a new reform. I guess it's just to make you feel more comfortable." He's
scared, and I can tell he doesn't like standing in the doorway. I only have to wait a few
seconds before he says the magic words. "Well, come on then. Let's get you checked out."
I nod, and step forward: out of the cell, and one step closer to freedom.
THE END
Of course, there's also that movie The Final Countdown about that ship that goes back in
time and then they have to decide whether or not to stop the Pearl Harbor attack. So it's not
quite the same as our story, but it is the first mainstream-type release from my personal
favorite DVD company BLUE UNDERGROUND. You can watch the trailer here:
http://www.blue-underground.com/trailers.php
Then buy the movie here (single disc widescreen is just $12.99):
http://www.dvdempire.com/Exec/v4_item.asp?item_id=582595&partner_id=90841311
and then I'll be your friend.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ASK
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In this section, I will happily answer any question you might have, whether I know the
answer or not. Just send them to eric@franticflicker.com with the subject line "I have a
question.". I especially like questions about regular school-type subjects, advice, or stuff
about movies, but really, just about any question will do.
QUESTION: Is the Frantic Flicker produced less and less frequently because of budget
problems or laziness? Thanks, Mr. Outlaw
ANSWER: Dear Mr. Outlaw, I truly appreciate your concern for my health, and you are
absolutely correct. The fact is that I haven't been getting enough fruits and vegetables in my
diet. It threw me off a bit that you were calling ME the Frantic Flicker (a bit unorthodox, since
everyone knows my name is Eric) but now that I understand that, I feel perfectly well
qualified to answer your question.
Yes, it's true that I am "produced" less and less frequently. And the overwhelming reason for
that is... laziness. Of course, when I get hungry, I eat no matter how lazy I feel, but laziness
does tend to make me reach for the chips (where you just open the bag) rather than
vegetables or a piece of fruit (which generally require either peeling or washing before they
can be eaten).
I'm trying to do better, though, and your letter has inspired me to turn over a brand new leaf
as far as my personal health and the health of those around me. I'm going to launch a new
series of seminars especially for Frantic Flicker subscribers entitled "Eat Them Fruits and
Vegetables Right This Second, You Half-Mad Zombie-Loving Cretin!" It'll be one three hour
seminar for each variety of fruit or vegetable (in sets of three, for a total of nine hours per
day). The first day we'll talk about turnips for three hours, then have a four minute break
before we progress to beets, and then... well, I don't want to give too much away before
you've paid for it.
In the meantime, you don't need to worry - I won't starve. I'm very well "breaded" and
"meated" and "liquored."
Eric AK(just this once)A The Frantic Flicker
P.S. The Frantic Flicker (no, not me, the newsletter) comes out at some point every Friday
(except this week it's early). If you don't get it, double check your junk mail folder, and then
e-mail me and I'll see if I can figure out what's what.
THE VISITING OF THAT ONE SPONSOR
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You must read the following, or skip over it to get to the SUPERATOMIC GIVEAWAY. There's
just no other way.
YOU ARE A MUSIC FAN, YES? I AM A MUSIC FAN ALSO OF THE MUSIC.
I have my grand master black belt in eBay (username mothra911, feedback rating 862 and
counting). Buy my ebay stuff! It is good. It is excellent. It is so good and excellent and cheap
that you feel like you must buy it. I've got 28 wonderful items (mostly cds and 7" records) just
waiting for someone special to purchase them. Check it out!
http://cgi6.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewSellersOtherItems&userid=mothra911&include=0&
since=-1&sort=3&rows=50
SUPERATOMIC GIVEAWAY OF THE WEEK
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Part of my whole reason for being here is to expose people to cool and/or weird stuff that
they might not otherwise know about, and one of the main ways I want to do that is by
giving stuff away for free.
This week's giveaway is a BRAND NEW DVD of the abysmal 1999 sci-fi thriller THE
ASTRONAUT'S WIFE starring Johnny Depp and Charlize Theron. Get it? I'm going to a wedding,
and the movie's called The Astronaut's WIFE? Huh? HUH? See the website for further details.
To win, send an e-mail to superatomic@franticflicker.com. Put your NAME (first and last) and
ADDRESS in the BODY of the e-mail, and use the SUPERATOMIC SECRET PASSWORD in a
COMPLETE SENTENCE as the SUBJECT line. Your information will not be used for any other
purpose.
The SUPERATOMIC SECRET PASSWORD for this week is... (gotta subscribe to find out).
Visit the superatomic section of the website (www.franticflicker.com/superatomic) for
complete rules, more details and a photo of this week's prize. Contest ends late Thursday
night, April 8, 2004 (if the message says Friday, that's too late Thursday night), and the
winner will be contacted by e-mail and announced on the site on Friday.
By entering, you confirm that you are 18 years of age or older. US or Canadian entrants only,
please.
WHODUNNIT
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Written, compiled, researched, edited and published by yours truly, King Boss Man Eric
Henderson! Thanks for reading it!
The Frantic Flicker is a weekly e-mail newsletter published by Eric Henderson.
The official Frantic Flicker website is a site to behold. If you're reading this far into the fine
print, you'll probably dig it:
www.franticflicker.com
If you have any questions or comments, I'd be more than happy to hear them. Gimmee a
holler at:
eric@franticflicker.com. If you don't want me to print your letter, let me know.
I'll talk at you again next week. Until then, rock tough. Thanks! Eric
All content copyright 2004 Eric Henderson. All rights reserved, but feel free to forward this
e-mail or link to my home page. Thanks.
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instructions below.
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THE LIVING END
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