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THE FRANTIC FLICKER
"The movie magazine that isn't..."
----Serving nonsense on a golden platter since 2004.----
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Issue #7: March 26, 2004
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www.franticflicker.com
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"Subliminally, a Billy Idol song is playing throughout the entirety of every teen movie."
- Jonathan Bernstein in Pretty in Pink: The Golden Age of Teenage Movies
IN THIS ISSUE:
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==>Welcome
==>Just One Of The Guys
==>All You Have To Do Is Ask
==>The Visiting of the Sponsors
==>Superatomic Giveaway of the Week
==>Whodunnit?
WELCOME
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Hi and welcome to lucky issue #7 of The Frantic Flicker. Last week our topic was full-tilt bloody
violence and mayhem and this week I thought I'd mix it up a little bit and so we're just talking
about full-tilt sexual innuendo and mayhem.
I had the experience of being a teenager in the 80s as much as anyone could have (I turned 10
in 1980 and 20 in 1990) so if any of this seems personal, like I'm revisiting some old demons, you
can bet your bottom dollar that it's the truth. As far as 80's teen movies go, I personally prefer
the Fast Times /Porky's / Last American Virgin teen sexploitation movies to the Can't Buy Me Love
/ Some Kind Of Wonderful / Say Anything boring sentimental crapola that came later. The movie I
picked to write a story about falls almost squarely in the middle. I took my little sister to see Just
One Of the Guys when I was 14 (she was 7). Of course it's not filthy, but for a PG rating, it ranks
with Weird Science in the sheer volume of innuendo department, plus it has that brief nudity at
the end that's absolutely gratuitous, and I've always respected that.
This week on the website, I talk a bunch about my experience sneaking into R-rated movies as a
kid (almost exclusively in the year of our lord 1982), so if this little smidgen of ridiculous nostalgia
didn't satisfy you, swing by for some more.
Also, next weekend I'm hopping on a plane to Orlando, FL to go to the wedding of one of my very
best friends since high school (yes, as a matter of fact, I am the best man) and so the next issue
(probably a spy issue in his honor) will be out early, but the contest will end at the regular time
(Thursday night), just the winner won't be announced until later. You're all smart folks, so I'm
sure you'll figure it out. I just wanted to give you the heads up, so you don't say "Bouncing
butterballs, what's this? It couldn't be the real Frantic Flicker!?! For crying out loud, it's only
THURSDAY!"
Eric
Alright, now let's get on with the part you might want to skip over to get right to the contest. Of
course, if you do, you'll miss an amazing affront to morality, conformity, judgement, and taste. It's
an original story entitled:
JUST ONE OF THE GUYS
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"Shelley there?"
"Hang on, I'll get her." Don was trying hard not to laugh.
"Is it her?"
Greg put his hand over the receiver. "Her dad."
Shelley picked up the phone. "Hello."
"Shelley?"
"Yeah?"
"It's Greg Landers. You know, from Civics?"
"Hey Greg, what's up?"
"I just wanted to tell you you're a horrible beast..." At this point Jerry broke in with a huge
spasm of laughter-
"HAAH," but Greg continued.
"...and if any guy ever wanted to go out with you it's probably because he's gay and he just
wants to steal your stupid neon clothes." Greg paused. Tim tried to get close enough to hear the
conversation.
"What's she sayin'?" he whispered. Shelley wasn't saying anything. Greg shrugged his
shoulders. He waited a few more seconds. There was still no sound from the other end.
"Okay, well, I just wanted to tell you that. Bye." Greg hung up and Don, Jerry and Tim all
laughed harder than they probably should have. When they were done laughing, they looked at
Greg with a sort of awe.
"It was the right thing to do," said Jerry.
"Somebody had to tell her," said Don.
"The important thing is that you didn't wuss out," said Tim, "and that really is important."
Greg sighed. He was glad it was over."Well, whaddayou guys wanna do now?" What he really
wanted to do was go home and watch the Facts of Life, maybe play a little Atari, and go to bed.
"We can go to my house," Jerry said, "my dad's got a whole carton of smokes." They all
agreed that smoking cigarettes would be a badass thing to do next. Greg didn't think being a
badass was so important, but he agreed anyway. Along the way, he came up with a plan. The
guys were impressed with him after the phone call. If he were to suggest something so
outlandish that the other guys wouldn't want to do it, then maybe he'd be off the hook and he
could go home.
"I've got an idea," Greg said, "Let's go break into the school."
"We're almost to my house," said Jerry.
"What're you, chicken?" said Don.
"No, I ain't no chicken. I'm ready. Let's go." And as quickly as it had occurred to him, Greg's
plan had completely backfired and they were on their way to break into the school.
"I dunno why we never hung around with you before, Greg," Tim said, "You're cool, man."
The school break-in, in actual practice, was a poorly thought out idea. Not only did they have
no sense of purpose in breaking in, they hadn't even thought to bring flashlights.
"It's dark in there," said Don.
"You're a wuss," said Greg. Although no one said anything else for a while, they all realized
that Greg had in that moment assumed leadership of the group.
For the next half-hour or so, they hung around on the roof of the school, making grandiose
plans for the crimes they'd be committing, now that there were four of them. Greg brought up the
craziest schemes he could think of: bank robbery, assault with a deadly weapon, blowing up the
school. Tim talked about Ozzy and how Jimmy Page should be his new guitarist since Randy
Rhoads died. Between the four of them, they found two kickballs, three tennis balls, and a golf
ball on the roof. They didn't pool the bounty and split it evenly - even if it had been
mathematically possible, in cases like that it's every man for himself.
When Greg got home it was after ten, and the Facts of Life was long over. It hadn't been the
same since Blair left anyway. He knew he'd won the battle, and actually felt lucky to have
escaped with his life. But how could he win the war? As he put on his pajamas, Greg tried to
think about it another way. Maybe it's good to have friends, he thought, even if they do cajole
you into insulting girls you really like. That didn't work. He couldn't convince himself of that. He
knew he would have to get rid of these guys somehow, if only out of respect for himself.
The next day at school, Shelley wouldn't talk to him, but Greg acted as friendly towards her as
ever. Every time he talked to one of the guys, he would push a new agenda. Let's blow up the
school. Let's paint "bitch" on Miss Laszlo's car. Let's say that Mr. Humphreys took off his pants
during class. All the time he was suggesting these things, though, Greg made sure the other
guys knew he was keeping up with his schoolwork. When they called him a nerd or a wuss, he
would tell them all the same thing: "I'm just doing good on this stuff so I can go to college to be
a locksmith."
"A locksmith, you mean the kind that can open doors with no key."
"That's the only kind there is, dumbass."
By the end of the week, Tim, Don, and Jerry were all planning to be locksmiths, and all of their
parents noticed a dramatic improvement in their schoolwork.
On Friday night, no one even batted an eye when Greg said he was going to stay home and
study. Don stayed home and did his homework for the first time ever. Tim tried to study, but
ended up just perfecting his Ozzy logo drawing technique on his book covers. Jerry read an
unassigned story in his English book. They were going to be locksmiths.
As soon as Greg knew his excuse had worked, he called Shelley and apologized. While the
badasses were doing their homework, he went over to her house. Shelley's mom ordered them a
pizza. They were only allowed to sit in the living room, but that was alright. Greg made sure to
compliment her on her neon.
THE END
Aw, isn't that sweet. Of course, the movie Just One of the Guys is about a girl who gets into
man-drag to score a story for the school paper, and then the bad guy from the Karate Kid wants
to kick her ass and Sherilynn Fenn wants to seduce her. So it's a little different.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ASK
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In this section, I will happily answer any question you might have, whether I know the answer or
not. Just send them to eric@franticflicker.com with the subject line "I have a question.". I
especially like questions about regular school-type subjects, advice, or stuff about movies.
QUESTION: Hello Eric, I hear that there is talk about a movie with Predator vs. Alien. Who do you
think will win the battle??? David
ANSWER: Hey David, thanks for writing. The movie Alien Vs. Predator (with the tag line "In space
no one can hear you if you're invisible.") will be released this summer (August 13, to be exact)
and should be a big deal blockbuster hit. But who will win the epic struggle between the
unkempt-and-ugly-when-you-can-see-them Predators and the
sleek-but-ugly-and-you-can-see-them-all-the-time Aliens? I can do better than just tell you that. I
happen to have a spy on the set (the movie's being filmed on location in Antarctica), and he
spilled his guts to me about the following key elements:
-Alien Vs. Predator is being touted as one of the most violent movies ever made. A staff of sixty
share the human blood set-dressing duties, thirty more are on hand to deal with the Predator
blood, and another 18 dole out the alien "acid" and slime-drool.
-Unlike in the movies that preceded them, the Aliens and Predators all speak English in this
movie. Orlando Bloom, Paris Hilton, and Ashton Kutcher provide some of the voices.
-The Aliens in this movie are more evolved than the last set we saw, with teeth that open and
another set pop out, and then THAT set open and another set pop out. After five or six sets of
teeth in a row, the audience will be completely panicked as an Alien bites off a tiny piece of a
Predator's dreadlock.
-There's a scene where Lance Henrikson walks into a bar with his robot girlfriend, but after they
order drinks they realize it's an Alien bar, and they barely escape with their lives.
-At the climax of the film, the Queen Alien spits her own personal facehugger onto the King
Predator. The King Predator goes down, and seconds later, a fully-grown Danny Glover bursts
out of his chest. Glover explains, as the offspring of both species, that the Aliens and Predators
should "make love, not war". They agree and are about to begin some of the most disgusting
mating rituals ever seen offline, when suddenly Lance Henrikson bursts in and bites Danny
Glover's ear off, causing the entire planet to explode. One Alien and one Predator hurtle
through space until they land on the sun. The Alien rubs some cooling balm on the Predator's
burned feet and they live happily ever after.
-One of the producers told my friend that whether this film is a hit or not, they're going ahead
with remakes/ re-imaginings of ALL of the previous Alien and Predator movies, starting with the
mega-budgeted ALIEN remake starring The Rock as the father of the little girl from Whale Rider
(with Harvey Keitel as "Uncle Pete"). They're all tourists on an airplane that accidentally goes
straight up until they land on the Alien planet. And you thought Hollywood was running out of
good ideas.
Eric
THE VISITING OF THE SPONSORS
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I am the only sponsor here, and I dictate the rules. You must read the following, or skip over it to
get to the SUPERATOMIC GIVEAWAY.
EBAY!
I have my grand master black belt in eBay (username mothra911, feedback rating 856 and
counting). Buy my ebay stuff! It is good. It is excellent. It is so good and excellent and cheap that
you feel like you must buy it. Lotsa cds and still some 7" singles left, and other stuff. Check it out!
http://cgi6.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewSellersOtherItems&userid=mothra911&include=0&sin
ce=-1&sort=3&rows=50
SUPERATOMIC GIVEAWAY OF THE WEEK
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Part of my whole reason for being here is to expose people to cool and/or weird stuff that they
might not otherwise know about, and one of the main ways I want to do that is by giving stuff
away for free.
This week's giveaway is a BRAND spankin' NEW DVD of the 1982 teenage sexploitation
anti-classic (but one I like a lot) HOMEWORK, starring Joan Collins, Carrie Snodgress, Wings
Hauser, and a bunch of kids who didn't grow up to do anything else. The movie also features a
brief early appearance by Michelle Bauer. See the website for further details.
To win, send an e-mail to superatomic@franticflicker.com. Put your NAME (first and last) and
ADDRESS in the BODY of the e-mail, and use the SUPERATOMIC SECRET PASSWORD in a
COMPLETE SENTENCE as the SUBJECT line. Your information will not be used for any other
purpose.
The SUPERATOMIC SECRET PASSWORD for this week is... BREAK.
Visit the superatomic section of the website (www.franticflicker.com/superatomic) for complete
rules, more details and a photo of this week's prize. Contest ends late Thursday night, April 1,
2004 (if the message says Friday, that's too late Thursday night), but the winner won't be
announced until sometime the following week, probably Monday or Tuesday since I'm going out
of town.
By entering, you confirm that you are 18 years of age or older. US or Canadian entrants only,
please.
WHODUNNIT
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Written, compiled, researched, edited and published by yours truly, King Boss Man Eric
Henderson! Thanks for reading it!
The Frantic Flicker is a weekly e-mail newsletter published by Eric Henderson.
The official Frantic Flicker website is a site to behold. Now git on over there:
www.franticflicker.com
If you have any questions or comments, I'd be more than happy to hear them. Gimmee a holler
at:
eric@franticflicker.com. If you don't want me to print your letter, let me know.
I'll talk at you again next week (but less than a week from now). Thanks! Eric
All content copyright 2004 Eric Henderson. All rights reserved, but feel free to forward this e-mail
or link to my home page. Thanks.
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THE LIVING END
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