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THE FRANTIC FLICKER
"The movie magazine that isn't..."
----Serving nonsense on a golden platter since 2004.----
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Issue #6: March 19, 2004
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www.franticflicker.com
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"What is real? Are you certain you know what reality is? How do you know that at this second
you aren't asleep in your bed, dreaming you are here?"
- Ray Sager as Montag the Magnificent in H.G. Lewis's The Wizard of Gore
IN THIS ISSUE:
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==>Welcome
==>Monster A Go-Go!
==>All You Have To Do Is Ask
==>The Visiting of the Sponsors
==>Superatomic Giveaway of the Week
==>Whodunnit?
WELCOME
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Hey, you're still here!
Welcome to Issue #6 of The Frantic Flicker. Last week I was ill and didn't get to play with the
dinosaur theme as much as I would have liked to, but I'm determined to redeem myself this
week. This week on the website I talk a bit about one of my all time favorite directors, the
incomparable H.G. Lewis. If you're already a fan, you might not learn too much, but I'd urge you
to take a look at my big deal list of Lewis's films available on DVD. Something Weird puts out new
great stuff all the time and it's crazy and wonderful.
Eric
At this time, I'm pleased and happy and thrilled and excited to introduce for the first time ever
the world premiere introductory showing-off of an elusively complex, enthusiastically exotic and
morally bankrupt series of ones and zeros which will appear on your computer screen as an
original story entitled:
MONSTER A GO-GO!
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My scientific background has taught me many things, and brought me many successes, not the
least of which is the monster himself. You even helped me design him, so that he wouldn't look
like a horrendous creature from some late-night horror show, but would more closely resemble
an undead version of Brad Pitt or Ricky Martin. If only he had waited until after our wedding
ceremony, I would feel more at ease. But no, right at the moment of "speak now or forever hold
your peace," he was there, lifting you over his shoulder and carrying you away. I've been
tracking the beast for days now, Darlene, but tonight it will finally be over. Tonight you will finally
come home where you belong.
And the stupid crowd, all of my lousy relatives, you would think they would have been on my
side. But no, they cheered when he took you from me. It was "so romantic." "Who was that
gorgeous man?" It wasn't me. I know you haven't found me as attractive since the accident,
darling, and I know that it's not just because of my face. But I've told you over and over, having
children in the normal way was never something that interested me. After all, I AM God. I have
created life in my laboratory, and eliminated any reason to do it another way. Physical pleasure
disgusts me, and so I have made it obsolete.
But your mind, Darlene, your gorgeous mind. You were so useful to me in my experiments. And
our combined libraries could have towered over those of major universities. Your gorgeous mind.
If only I could talk to you again. Maybe it will be tonight.
I stand now outside the back door of the Harlot's Noose nightclub. It's been raining for hours,
and I've been standing here since it started, for only a lone hint, a faint inkling that the monster
might bring you here tonight.
There are so many people here, and all of them are obnoxious. Like my creation, they are
mindless piles of instinct with artificially fortified bodies, but no intellectual character to be seen.
Only a madman would come here for pleasure. Only a fool would consider this fun.
The line stretches around the block, and I wait off to the side, watching. I thought I saw you
several times already. A flash of your hair, an eyebrow arched just so, and I was sure it was you,
but my senses deceived me. That initial burst of familiarity was always followed by something
else: a rude gesture, a curse, or in one case, even a bout of vomiting. Yet as the time passes I
feel more certain you will come.
It's the sound that draws my attention first, and then all at once I see the monster. He's just
slapped the ass of the girl standing in front of him. I recognize his rugged jawline. And now
you're here too, Darlene. You stand next to him, giggling, as he slaps another ass, squeezes
another breast, fondles another... he's hypnotized you, my darling. Now that I see you, I know
that he has. I built him and I know what he has to work with. The brain in his head wasn't all
bad. And at last, through focus and determination, he's honed his hypnotic powers to such
perfection that even you, a living person, are swept up in his storm of charisma.
This will prove more difficult than I'd imagined. I thought that you would be anxious to escape
the beast, but instead you just giggle like the others. It sickens me, and I feel for a moment that
I might pass out from the strain of it all.
And then the music starts. Such awful music. The forbidden beat of rock and roll permeates the
night. Even through the rain, I can see the smiles as the effect of that music reaches each
individual listener. Even you, Darlene. When you hear the music, you begin to move your body in
ways I've never seen before. You bring your hands down in front of you slowly like they're going
against a current of water. You bop back and forth using your knees as a kind of natural lever.
There is no purpose to any of it, and that strengthens my resolve.
The monster dances, too, of course. The music pulsates through his disgusting undead veins,
as he gyrates suggestively towards each woman in the long line, and gropes each one in turn.
And then, as if in direct defiance to his creator, he turns to you.
"Do you think he's still after us?"
"Who gives a crap? What's he gonna do?"
A fair question, darling. What am I going to do? What can I do? I can step forward and try to
prevent this. I can try to stop it now before it goes any farther.
The line starts to move, but it will still be several minutes before the two of you enter the
Harlot's Noose. This is my chance. I'm stepping up to you now, and:
"Hello, Darlene."
"Hi, Frank. We were just talking about you."
"Yeah, uh, join us, Frank, we're going dancing. It's a groovy scene. I'm sure you'll dig it."
How dare the creature talk to me that way! Such informality. Yes, I will dig the scene alright; I
will dig his grave and return him to the dead from whence he came! But now you're speaking up
again. You're saying that you want to speak to me privately, without the monster. Little do you
realize how much rehearsal I've put into our possible conversations, how many possible topics
I've assembled into a mammoth mental list. I have so missed you as my intellectual peer.
"Look, quit following us around."
"Darlene, the beast has hypnotized you. You know not what you say."
"I know exactly what I'm saying, Frank. I left you at the altar on purpose. And that "beast" as
you call him has more feelings in his toenails than you have in your entire body."
"Feelings?! What's this about feelings?"
"I never felt loved by you, Frank. You would never...make love to me."
"Instead I created for you... I thought for you... We are the perfect match of genius with
genius."
"But can't you see - that's not enough! I've got to know that I'm alive. I can't spend my time in
a world made entirely of abstract intellectual and philosophical constructs. I've got to feel that
throbbing go-go beat! Can't you feel the beat, Frank? Even a little bit?"
"I can hear the music and I hate it! And that is enough. That's all the feelings I need!"
You look so sad now, walking away. I can tell that you want me to change, but it is not
possible. In any contract with me, there is no provision for change. You are back with the
monster again, and he gyrates at you suggestively. You gyrate back, and then the two of you
gyrate together and continue your disgusting gyrations until you disappear into the black
confines of the Harlot's Noose, where you will continue to gyrate infinitely in my memory.
But now, just at the lowest moment, the ebb of my very existence, inspiration strikes afresh.
I've made one beast with powers of hypnosis that rival those of any living human. Why not
create another, a female this time? A companion to help with my experiments. A woman who will
stimulate me in only the smartest and most wholesome of ways. I could give her a brain just like
your's, Darlene. Yes, that's the way, indubitably. I'll give her a brain just like your's.
THE END
Frank isn't a fan of rock and roll, but that doesn't make him a bad person, does it? Oh, alright,
maybe it does.
Clearly this is a different story than the greatly despised, hated, and generally disliked H.G. Lewis
movie Monster A Go-Go! but I hope you enjoyed it anyway.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ASK
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In this section, I will happily answer any question you might have, whether I know the answer or
not. Just send them to eric@franticflicker.com with the subject line "I have a question.". I
especially like questions about regular school-type subjects, advice, or stuff about movies.
QUESTION: Who's older, Billy Idol or Billy Joel? - Bill B.
ANSWER: An interesting question, and a fair one. The answer is fairly complex, so please bear
with me for just a second while I lay it out. For starters, let's just line up the names and compare
them.
Billy Idol
Billy Joel
They're pretty similar, right? Now the first name is the same, so let's remove those and capitalize
the rest.
IDOL
JOEL
Then let's remove the remaining identical letters (the O and the L) from each, and what's left?
ID
JE
Now imagine a map of the alphabet, and let's look at how these pairs of letters relate to one
another.
I comes right before J
D comes right before E
Taking this set of facts to the logical extreme, you could construct a universal continuum of rock
stars that would conceivably travel through the names we've already established as follows.
Billy Glob
Billy Loch
Billy Idol
Billy Joel
Billy Folk
Billy Goll
Pretty interesting, eh? Once I realized this, I immediately went into full-scale research mode and
developed a strange and compelling hypothesis. As it turns out, my theory (and the answer to
your question) has nothing to do with any of the "future" stars on the continuum (at least that
we know about), just the two that we already know and have alluded to: Billy Joel and Billy Idol.
So let's concentrate on them.
Even the most casual observer has heard about how much Billy Idol loves The Lord of the Rings.
Lord Of The Rings Lover
LOTRL
at the same time, it's evident that Billy Joel is a short, hairy man
TROLL
Another coincidence? I think not. My theory is that Billy Joel and Billy Idol are actually an example
of opposing forces that once inhabited the same body, then split, sort of like if Dr. Jekyll and
Mister Hyde were equally unlikable and had somehow separated to become two different people.
I realize it might sound "unrealistic" or "outlandish" that two big stars from the 80s with
substance abuse problems may have at one time actually been parts of the same person, but I
can assure you without hesitation that it is absolutely TRUE.
Billy Ol was born in 1952 in Sarasota, Florida, the son of a Baptist minister and the neighborhood
floozy. Information like this is obviously difficult to come by, but from what we can tell, the split
likely occurred around age 7, around the time little Billy was writing his first songs, and probably
took place because of some bizarre Freudian pre-adolescent sexual self-denial.
According to their spokespeople, Billy Idol and Billy Joel are not blood relatives, and were born in
different years. Of course, they also say that Billy Joel was born in the U.S. and Billy Idol is from
the U.K. Don't believe it for a second. They're both the exact same age. In fact, they're both Billy
Ol from Sarasota, whose identity crisis has launched dozens of hit singles that have reached the
top of the pop charts the world over. You may be right. He may be crazy. But if Billy Idol had the
chance, he'd ask the world to dance, and he'd be dancing with Billy Joel. And maybe others, too,
but that's unconfirmed at this point.
THE VISITING OF THE SPONSORS
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Just a couple of quick commercials before SUPERATOMIC time.
EBAY!
I'm an eBay fiend (username mothra911, feedback rating 850 and counting). This weekend I'm
putting on a huge bunch of stuff. If you've never done e-business with me in the past, here's a
perfect opportunity.
http://cgi6.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewSellersOtherItems&userid=mothra911&include=0&sin
ce=-1&sort=3&rows=50
THE GORE EMPORIUM
Looking for a COMPLETE list of Herschell Gordon Lewis films on DVD? The Gore Emporium's got it!
Check it out all you hep cats and cool chicks!
http://www.franticflicker.com/goreemporium
SUPERATOMIC GIVEAWAY OF THE WEEK
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Part of my whole reason for being here is to expose people to cool and/or weird stuff that they
might not otherwise know about, and one of the main ways I want to do that is by giving stuff
away for free.
This week's giveaway is a BRAND spankin' NEW DVD of H.G. Lewis's classic (and one of my
personal favorites) THE WIZARD OF GORE!!! See the website for further details.
To win, send an e-mail to superatomic@franticflicker.com. Put your NAME (first and last) and
ADDRESS in the BODY of the e-mail, and use the SUPERATOMIC SECRET PASSWORD in a
COMPLETE SENTENCE as the SUBJECT line. Your information will not be used for any other
purpose.
The SUPERATOMIC SECRET PASSWORD for this week is... (gotta subscribe to find out).
Visit the superatomic section of the website (www.franticflicker.com/superatomic) for complete
rules, more details and a photo of this week's prize. Contest ends late Thursday night, March 25,
2004.
By entering, you confirm that you are 18 years of age or older. US or Canadian entrants only,
please.
WHODUNNIT
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Written, compiled, researched, edited and published by yours truly, King Boss Man Eric
Henderson! Thanks for reading it!
The Frantic Flicker is a weekly e-mail newsletter published by Eric Henderson.
The official website is up and not down, I mean we are down, of course we're down. You know
what I mean. The site is up and we are down, homey, so please visit us online at:
www.franticflicker.com
If you have any questions or comments, I'd be happy to hear them. Gimmee a holler at:
eric@franticflicker.com. It would really be cool to hear from you, since I usually don't. If you don't
want me to print your letter, let me know.
I'll talk at you again next week. Thanks! Eric
All content copyright 2004 Eric Henderson. All rights reserved, but feel free to forward this e-mail
or link to my home page. Thanks.
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instructions below.
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THE LIVING END
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