THE FRANTIC FLICKER
"The movie magazine that isn't..."
----Serving nonsense on a golden platter since 2004.----
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Issue #3: February 27, 2004
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www.franticflicker.com
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"CHILDHOOD, n. The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the
folly of youth -- two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age."
Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911


IN THIS ISSUE:
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==>Welcome
==>Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over
==>All You Have To Do Is Ask
==>The Visiting of the Sponsors
==>Superatomic Giveaway of the Week
==>Whodunnit?


WELCOME...
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...once again to THE FRANTIC FLICKER. My name's Eric, and here we go again into the depths of
human depravity to bring you vague, inaccurate meanderings about how the weird movies you
watch relate to the weird life you lead.

This week on the Frantic Flicker website (www.franticflicker.com), there's a new and exciting
photo exhibit taken by yours truly called MY CARNIVAL. It's right on the front page, so check it
out!

This is Twisted Kiddie Week, and even though we don't have any kids who read this (that I
know about, and we're not looking for any) kids are always an amusing subject to write about.
So sit back with some Sweet Tarts AND Cheetos AND Twinkies and enjoy!

Eric

So here's our big deal original story of the week, and I think you'll agree it's the best one so far.
I call it:


SPY KIDS 3-D: GAME OVER
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   "My name is Danger."
   "Aw, man, you almost took mine. I'm Dangerous Criminal."
   "That's stupid."
   "You're stupid."
   "You!"
   When they got up off of the floor, Spork was there.
   "Where's Polly?" Danger and Dangerous Criminal asked at once. Spork frowned at them.
   "It's her stupid mom's stupid birthday, so she's not allowed to do anything."
   "That sucks," said Danger, "let's go over there."
   "Who do you want to be?" said Dangerous Criminal, "I'm Dangerous Criminal."
   "That's stupid." said Spork.
   "Who do you wanna be?"
   "Who are you, Larry?"
   "Danger."
   "That's stupid, too."
   "Who are you?" Dangerous Criminal asked again.
   "Spork, dummy."
   "No, for the spy club."
   Spork thought for a second.
   "Nothing stupid like your dumb names." She thought some more, then tried to snap her
fingers. When it didn't work, she made the movement with her hand again, stamping her foot at
the same time. It sounded almost the same. "I got it."
   "Who?"
   "Dangerlady. All one word. Dangerlady."
   "That's stup-" Dangerous Criminal started, but before he could finish, Dangerlady held her
clenched fist in front of his face.
   "You want to eat this?"
   "No."
   "Then shut the hell up."
   "Let's go, you guys," said Danger. "We can spy good over there."
   "Wait," said Dangerous Criminal. "What are we gonna use for weapons?"

   Polly's backyard looked different with so many adults in it. Danger, Dangerous Criminal, and
Dangerlady stood in the hedges watching and listening. They saw Polly kiss her ugly uncle when
he arrived. They heard one of Polly's mom's drunken co-workers proposition Polly's dad. They
heard Polly get yelled at for wanting to leave to go play with her friends.
   "That cake looks good," Dangerlady said. "I'm ready to go get some."
   "Ryan, you go."said Danger."Get three pieces, or at least distract them or something."
   "I'm Dangerous Criminal, stupid."
   "Just do it. Come on, be a spy."
   "Please, Dangerous Criminal, I'm starving to death."
   "Okay, geez." Dangerous Criminal was out of the hedge, and heading around towards the
front of the house when Dangerlady caught up to him again.
   "Drinks, too. Sprite if they have it."

   Danger and Dangerlady kept careful watch as Dangerous Criminal made a smooth entrance to
the party. He spoke to no one, but headed straight for the cake. He had the knife in his hand
when Polly noticed him.
   "Uh-oh," said Dangerlady. They stood by as Polly pointed to Dangerous Criminal's belly.
   "What's under your shirt?"
   "Nothing."
   Polly grabbed Dangerous Criminal's hand and pulled his little finger back until he complied. It
didn't take much. Dangerous Criminal lifted his shirt proudly. Underneath, he had an eight foot
bullwhip wrapped around his body several times, with the end in his pocket.
   "What's that for?"
   "Nothing."
   "Oh yeah? Where's your brother and Spork?"
   "Who?"
   "Your brother, Larry, you know, your brother, and Spork."
   "I have no idea what you're talking about."   
   
   As Dangerlady watched from the hedges, Danger stood just behind her, admiring the texture
of her hair. In all the months he'd known her, he'd never been this close to it. He cleared his
throat. Now was the time.
   "Alright, now it's party time." Dangerlady said. Dangerous Criminal was getting a piece of
cake. "Chocolate. Excellent. Now as soon as he's out of there, you know what to do, right?"
   "Sure I do. Uh, Spork..." Danger's voice cracked slightly.
   "Shhh...Dangerlady."
   "Right. Dangerlady..."
   "Oh my god, he's eating it. The little creep!"
   "Maybe he's gonna get our's after."
   "I hope they got Sprite." Dangerlady said.
   
   When Dangerous Criminal had finished his cake, he and Polly went over and talked to Polly's
mom for a second, and then they both went into the house.
   "They're going in! Man, I can't believe it." Dangerlady felt Danger's hand on her shoulder.
   "Spork. Melissa."
   "Spork."
   "Spork, I...love you."
   "Oh god, you're not serious."
   "Yeah, I am."
   "I'm sorry, Larry, you're too ugly. I mean I just really don't find you attractive."
   "Oh." said Danger.
   "Do it now, okay?" said Dangerlady.
   "Yeah, sure." Danger looked down at the rock in his hand. He'd been holding it for so long
that it was warm.
   "Do it now, Larry. Nobody's looking. Nail that cake."
   Danger aimed the best he could under the circumstances and let the rock fly. It flew past the
table, missing  the cake by several feet. He saw the window shatter and heard the breaking
glass, but it took several seconds for any of it to register. Slowly, they felt a dull roar start to
rise between the guests at Polly's mom's 40th birthday party. Then Danger and Dangerlady
turned around and ran like hell.
   
THE END

There's also a movie that came out on DVD this week called Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over, but that's
just a coincidence: I came up with the title for this story YEARS ago. Anyway, I've only seen the
second Spy Kids movie, but I like almost all of director Robert Rodriquez's movies that I've seen.
Also, I worked on an independent feature with Alexa Vega (the girl Spy Kid) last year, and she
was a cool kid. It's called State's Evidence, and should be out (at least on video) later this year,
so keep an eye out.    


ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ASK
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In this section, I will happily answer any question you might have, whether I know the answer
or not. Just send them to eric@franticflicker.com with the subject line "I have a question.".  I
especially like questions about regular school-type subjects, advice, or stuff about movies.

I finally got a question this week!

Question: So much great music came out of the 70's blaxploitation films...Where can I get this
music? Also, if  Tamara Dobson, Pam Grier and Marki Bey were in a celebrity death match
tournament, who would win?
-Angel M.

Answer: Thanks for asking. You already have this music in your mind, and starting next year,
thanks to many breakthroughs in technology by the fine folks at Harshbarger International,
you'll be able to download music, visuals and other information directly from your brain onto a
DVD or compact disc.

In 1972, George Harshbarger was a lab assistant in charge of discarding previously tested
rabbit brains. He thought the brains were cute and took some home. Upon closer examination,
he realized that by poking a certain spot on the medulla oblongata, even after death, he could
create a rush of pictures from the rabbit's experiences that would emanate out of the brain
almost exactly like a movie projector. When he figured out how to capture these images on
photographic film, a fantastically rich corporation was born.

Unfortunately, in 1987, Harshbarger decided to perform the experiment on himself. He poked his
own medulla oblongata in the same spot, and in effect released all of his experiences out into
open space. Some of them were captured photographically, but the rest were emptied from his
mind never to return. And so at the age of 37, Mr. Harshbarger had to begin his development
again with a clean slate. According to  the latest reports, George is now a 54 year old man with
the brain of a 17 year old, obsessed with girls and getting drunk. When his brain turns 21, he'll
take over the reins of Harshbarger International again.

Since that incident, researchers have figured out how to remove and record certain specific
memories without losing the rest of them. The Mindcorder (tm) audio edition is slated for public
consumption by next summer, with a retail price of $849. And that way, you could listen to any
music you've ever had in your head, up to and including 70s blaxploitation music. Or I guess you
could find somewhere to buy the cds or something. That's probably cheaper.

To answer your second question, Tamara Dobson (Cleopatra Jones), Pam Grier (Coffy) and Marki
Bey (Sugar Hill) are all pretty tough. If they were in a celebrity death match tournament, that
raises the question of who put them there, because I don't think they'd ever want to fight each
other. They're all pretty progressive, and they know that infighting will never solve anything;
that black people are better off uniting against a common enemy like drug abuse, poverty, or
the bad guys who try to set up celebrity death matches with the goal of creating strife within
the community. So I'd say that once they got in there, they'd form a team and go after The Man
in solidarity. And the audience would win. Power to the People!
-Eric


THE VISITING OF THE SPONSORS
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Just a couple of quick commercials before SUPERATOMIC time.

TWISTED KID STUFF STORE
Check out my recommendations for some wacky juvenile DVDs.
Weird and vaguely wholesome family viewing that won't make you ill.
Got a kid? Take a look.
www.franticflicker.com/twistedkid

THE SUPERBAAAD SUPERSTORE IS OPEN!
Check out my favorite Superbaaad movies on DVD
and posters and pics from blaxploitation to Bruce Lee!
www.franticflicker.com/superbaaadstore  

EBAY!
I'm an eBay fiend  (username mothra911, feedback rating 844 and counting). I've been a bit lax
in my ebay duties lately, but there's a ton of stuff (including some early 90s surf /garage 7"s)
that's going up this week, so take a look (and another look in a day or so if there's nothing
there).

http://cgi6.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewSellersOtherItems&userid=mothra911&include=0&sin
ce=-1&sort=3&rows=50

Thanks for your patience.
And now, it's time for our...


SUPERATOMIC GIVEAWAY OF THE WEEK
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Part of my whole reason for being here is to expose people to cool and/or weird stuff that they
might not otherwise know about, and one of the main ways I want to do that is by giving stuff
away for free.

This week's giveaway is a TWISTED KIDDIE PRIZE PACKAGE that includes a one-sheet poster for
the bizarre puppet movie HANSEL AND GRETEL, a video of the strange and amazing movie BABY
HUEY'S GREAT EASTER ADVENTURE, and MORE! See the website for further details.  

The week before last I had 10 entries into my contest, and this past week, I only had 9! So if
this prize package does anything for you, please enter: you've got a good chance of winning!

To win, send an e-mail to superatomic@franticflicker.com. Put your name and address in the
body of the e-mail, and use the SUPERATOMIC SECRET PASSWORD in a COMPLETE SENTENCE as
the subject line. Your information will not be used for any other purpose.

The SUPERATOMIC SECRET PASSWORD for this week is... CORN.  

Visit the superatomic section of the website (www.franticflicker.com/superatomic) for complete
rules, more details and photos of this week's prize. Contest ends late Thursday night, March 4,
2004.

By entering, you confirm that you are 18 years of age or older. US entrants only, please.


WHODUNNIT
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Written, compiled, researched, edited and  published by yours truly, King Boss Man Eric
Henderson! Thanks for reading it!

The Frantic Flicker is a weekly e-mail newsletter published by Eric Henderson.

The official website is up and  looking better every week, so please visit us online at:

www.franticflicker.com

If you have any questions or comments, I'd be happy to hear them. Gimmee a holler at:
eric@franticflicker.com. If you don't want me to print your letter, let me know.
I'll talk at you again next week. Thanks! Eric

All content copyright 2004 Eric Henderson. All rights reserved, but feel free to forward this e-mail
or link to my home page. Thanks.

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THE LIVING END
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